Goods & Services
Don't see what you want? Just ask! Chances are there's a price for it.
Tarantula or Scorpion Viewing Tour | $60
climate permitting, sightings not guaranteed
Script for a TV Show | $1 million
don't like the options on Netflix?—price negotiable, but it gets to be about whatever I want
Eggs Your Way | $6
over easy, scrambled, omelet, hard boiled, scrambled tofu; happy to cook up some kale and toast too
Customized Break Up Text/Email | $50
get just the response (or lack there of!) that you want; also good for quitting a job, cancelling a subscription, etc.
Commercial Jingle | $500
can be for a commercial about literally anything
Oneiromancy | $2-$100
help turning your dreams into guerrilla warfare tactics (or emotional/psychological coping strategies, if that's more your thing); sliding scale depending on who your enemies are
Listening/Advice | $35/hour
"A better listener than my therapist." - Mike Stupin
Alphabetizing Your Entire Home | $10,000
never again will you have to wonder where anything is; looking for your keys?—look in the K-section!
House Sitting | $35/day
price negotiable if you have a hot tub; not super great with plants; Roy will need to stay there too
Reading a Story Aloud | $25/hour
I'm told I have a soothing voice
Hair Modeling | $600
perfect for making wigs, selling hair brushes, used as an example of what a good hair day looks like, etc.
Improvised Bedtime Story | $0-$100
(free only for Sage)
Making a 'Goods and Services Page' for Your Own Website | $1,500
you too can charge thousands of dollars for things you enjoy doing anyway
Fallacious Explanation | $50
got a question? I'll pretend to know the answer
Commitment to Laugh at All of Your Jokes | $100/year
good jokes, bad jokes: makes no difference to me; costs a lot extra, though, if you want me to respond to any texts
Bellybutton Lint | $10/ounce
order in advance, but not that far in advance—it accrues pretty quickly
Dog Walking | $35/poop
A Stern Talking to to Invasive Pests | $50
ants, roaches, mice, flies, etc.—insecticides are for solipsists, traps for cowards; real men use carefully crafted biosemiotically informed rhetoric
climate permitting, sightings not guaranteed
Script for a TV Show | $1 million
don't like the options on Netflix?—price negotiable, but it gets to be about whatever I want
Eggs Your Way | $6
over easy, scrambled, omelet, hard boiled, scrambled tofu; happy to cook up some kale and toast too
Customized Break Up Text/Email | $50
get just the response (or lack there of!) that you want; also good for quitting a job, cancelling a subscription, etc.
Commercial Jingle | $500
can be for a commercial about literally anything
Oneiromancy | $2-$100
help turning your dreams into guerrilla warfare tactics (or emotional/psychological coping strategies, if that's more your thing); sliding scale depending on who your enemies are
Listening/Advice | $35/hour
"A better listener than my therapist." - Mike Stupin
Alphabetizing Your Entire Home | $10,000
never again will you have to wonder where anything is; looking for your keys?—look in the K-section!
House Sitting | $35/day
price negotiable if you have a hot tub; not super great with plants; Roy will need to stay there too
Reading a Story Aloud | $25/hour
I'm told I have a soothing voice
Hair Modeling | $600
perfect for making wigs, selling hair brushes, used as an example of what a good hair day looks like, etc.
Improvised Bedtime Story | $0-$100
(free only for Sage)
Making a 'Goods and Services Page' for Your Own Website | $1,500
you too can charge thousands of dollars for things you enjoy doing anyway
Fallacious Explanation | $50
got a question? I'll pretend to know the answer
Commitment to Laugh at All of Your Jokes | $100/year
good jokes, bad jokes: makes no difference to me; costs a lot extra, though, if you want me to respond to any texts
Bellybutton Lint | $10/ounce
order in advance, but not that far in advance—it accrues pretty quickly
Dog Walking | $35/poop
A Stern Talking to to Invasive Pests | $50
ants, roaches, mice, flies, etc.—insecticides are for solipsists, traps for cowards; real men use carefully crafted biosemiotically informed rhetoric